connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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