I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
