Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
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At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
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He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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