I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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