my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
3pm strippers are depressing
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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