question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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