My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
