i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
