My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
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After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
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What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize