So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
