yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
