3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
