He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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