So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
