im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
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I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
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She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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