Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
