Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
