I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
