Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
