Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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