shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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