I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
