hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
