you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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