i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
