If i come over, it means nothing
I didn't shave. On purpose
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
