I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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