i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
