I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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