Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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