omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
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Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
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