dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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