I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
