Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
