i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
