I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
