If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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