Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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