I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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