You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she pinky promised me she was 18
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Randomize
