i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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