my phone needs a breathalizer
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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