I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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