Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
