remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
stop calling my apartment porn island.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
