I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
