ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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