the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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