Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
