it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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