i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
