I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
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High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
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Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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