Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
