I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize