This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
