At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
