Please, let me fuck your mom
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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