Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
